Don't get me wrong, lots of good happened during September. I got to spend some quality time with a dear friend & play in the sand, visit my "happy" place, see a beautiful friend marry the man of her dreams, catch up with long lost friends & meet a few new ones, introduce my favorite nephew to his uncle's alma mater & see his eyes light up at the prospect of attending the same university, and hang with some of my favorite people while working in SF. Yep, it WAS a good month. It was just also plagued with a lot of uncertainty, stress, and moments of feeling "broken."
I hate to sound like a broken record but I love living in Cleveland and having to move away from a city I adore & people I feel a kindred connection with is just plain hard. It dawned on me today that this is the first time in my life that I've had to move when I didn't want to. Moving to college was expected and a mere two hours from where I grew up. From college I moved to Tahoe. New & different, yes, but still close to "home." Moving to North Carolina from Tahoe was incredibly hard because it meant that I was moving thousands of miles from my family but it was a move that my soul desperately needed at the time. Leaving North Carolina was only hard because I had some great friends there & it would mean less time with my step-daughters...but I was READY to leave. It was time for a new start and I needed to get away from the small mindedness of the community I was living in. Our move from Shreveport to Cleveland was only hard because I had to leave some of my favorite people behind but it was time to leave & grow new wings. Leaving Cleveland has me experiencing emotions I've not felt before (or in a super long time) and it's taking a toll on me.
I'm usually pretty good at looking at the bright side of things and I know there are A LOT of great things around the corner. I know I'm blessed in that my husband has a job he enjoys and the work I do I can do from anywhere as long as there is an airport nearby. I know that as long as we're together and our family is healthy that I truly have nothing to be upset about. I know that (in my head) and I'm absolutely grateful. The problem is that my heart is hurting. Will I get over it and move on? Yes. Will this cause great detriment to my life? Probably not. Will it cause serious stress to my life? Possibly. Will it all work out? I certainly hope so.
I feel out of sorts and not like myself which, I guess, is what God wants for me right now. It's when we're out of our comfort zone that we grow, right? I guess God has something great in store for me and in order to become that person I need to do some growing. Now if only I can keep that in my head (and heart) as the emotional triggers & stress of the move begin to get to me.